When the clock ticked over to Midnight on April 4, I had a small moment of ’32-0, suck it life’ (this is probably in small part thanks to my obsession with UKs pending Final Four game and their being near 40-0) and then got extremely sad.

It turns out, if we’re counting up losses and victories, the amount I’ve lost in the last couple of years will outweigh the 32 years of nothing I’ve done with my life.

One of the cats that my parents adopted while I was away from home, Midnight, a cat woh has taken to me and seems to love me, even going so far as to give me light headbutts like my Seven does, got sick the other day.

He’s been showing signs of this for a while, this sort of heavy breathing and malaise — he hasn’t eaten in days, and we can’t afford to get him put to sleep, so instead for my birthday I get to watch him die.

I spent an hour in the floor tonight, laying by Midnight and crying… all I did was lay near him and be close without crowding him, and still I could barely take it. He slinks around and I’m just…

It seems like with every year that passes, my win ratio in the game of life seems to be heading towards the negatives, and yet i still keep playing. It’s like my life as a whole is the boobie prize that they award you: “Here’s a plastic toy, it has to last you forever, try not to break it.” and all the while they start pilfering through the things you’ve gained in your life that actually matter.

So Happy Birthday for me having made it through another year doing the bare minimum and not being worth a damn, and here’s to hoping that if I can get into therapy and they can get me medicated for my social anxiety and depression that things will get better and I’ll be able to make something of myself.

Because last year I lost my mom, this year I lost my cat (and, in a way, the love of my life, though his heart still beats, thankfully) and I’m just not sure how much more I can take.

Everyone deserves better than me, so I’m going to have to strive to be the best me I can.



As much as I hate it, lately I’ve been floundering and can’t seem to find the right footing to keep myself upright.  Upcoming post on my two months without internet and stuff about my mom soon, probably.


Dark Omen Hoodie

Recently I ordered a Dark Omen Hoodie from Fangamer.net and hopefully it’ll be here tomorrow so I can take a mess of pictures with it.  I’m so excited for this thing because it perfectly captures my obsession with certain things and also should be pretty flippin’ well made.  I’m excited.


A friend of mine has a collage of anime flags that he wanted to add too, and found out that to get one that he wanted (in a supply and demand society) he’d have to spent about two-hundred dollars just to get it done.  I suggested to print his own using a company and have it shipped out that way, hoping that it would cut costs a bit (custom printing in new york) and may have saved him a ton of money and in the same time helped him fulfill his ‘quilt’ goal.

New Age

It’s often amazing how easily you can find the things you need, since the introduction of the internet and world wide web as a whole, things have become far easier to locate, from something as simple as a new pizza nearby or attorneys in downtown raleigh, you can find anything you want online and it’s a testament to how far we’ve come.  From yellow pages and large phone books to digital information that is so easily accessed by billions of people.