bated-breath.net

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, mostly about my ability to apparently fall in love with the guy’s who wont want me like that.  As soon as it seems to go in that direction, it’s… never good.  The saddest part is I think it could be beautiful, it could be wonderful, but I’m not the girl.  I’m not her.  I wouldn’t want to be her, not that she isn’t great, or anything like that, but I’m quite happy being me most of the time.

But it all led me to this wondering about karmic retribution.  How many people do you think I scorned in a former life, or even before I knew how painful love can be, to get me where I am now? How can anyone know just how much karmic badness they’re going to have to pay for before life gives them even the barest hint of recognition.

I like to think I do good things.  Not many people will stand there for ten minutes holding a door open for people coming through just because it seems the right thing to do.  I don’t do it for the karma, I don’t do it for the thank yous.  I do it because people should /just/ do things like that.  It seems ridiculous, however, that most people will let a door close on an old man who is shuffling along because they’re in too much of a hurry to get to their daily grind.

But it’s really been bugging me, and for some reason I believe that’s part of what’s been weighing on my mind and strangling my want to do things, and my creativity. (that and the fact that the kitchen looks like a bomb hit it and I’ve had no desire to clean it, and it’s killing me.) but the fact that my karma seems to have hit so far into the negatives that I can’t seem to get even the slightest crumb of what I really want… what I need.  Maybe I’m just unsure of what I really need, but I feel like I need his love, so how can that be wrong? If I feel it that deeply, even if I’m lying to myself… it’s real to me.

I don’t want to sound emo, trust me, that’s the last thing I’d ever want, but sometimes I just wonder how much of an impact I make.  I’m there, I’m that shoulder, I’m the girl that’ll be there when you want, and normally vacate when you don’t.  I’m the shelfable friend, but… would any of them mourn? It’s not a suicide thought, at all, I made a promise long ago, but it does make me think.  It makes me wonder…

I don’t know, maybe I’m just overthinking things again.  It happens, a lot, and now I’m just going to go back to my other shit until I can remember what else I was going to post about.

Yes, I’m well aware that’s not how you spell it, but I’ve no inspiration and I don’t caaare. I’m all depressed for reasons I’d rather not elaborate, and even though I got LOVELY approvals from TFL, such as P.S. I Love You, my favourite new movie in /ages/… I can’t seem to find any inspiration to do anything. I want things to be perfect so I scrap any ideas I get, then I realise in the end it wont be perfect anyway, and just get depressed and down on myself. It’s really quite effing retarded. I don’t know. … I miss him.

My period has me ten kinds of exhausted and blase. I want to finish my two left upcoming fanlistings so I can feel accomplished. I really do love the subjects as much as any other, but I find it hard to actually get myself motivated to do anything. Like I go “ALL RIGHT, LET’S DO THIS.” then five seconds later my mojo’s gone. I think my period is /almost/ over, so I should be set to be done with all this soon enough so I can get stuff done.

Hell, short post. Gaming updates: I’m a heal bitch in WoW. (XD) no joke. I ran around healing for people today and got nothing out of it. >D Um… FFXI is… a grind, everyone was right, but I’m hoping it gets a bit better, at least before the period of trial is up. And um… I wanna play Guild Wars again. e.e Yes, don’t ask. Done now!

For some reason I’m terribly exhausted, so I don’t expect much of this to make sense. Let’s see. We spanked Kara in like three hours on Tuesday. Which is good considering we only started last month. Pretty brutal, and we’d have had Nightbane too if it hadn’t been for Chris having to go to work, but shit, what can you do?

I’ve decided to try FFXI, and… so far it’s just kind of like “wee, beat a mob, oh my god, get beat up by the same mob that’s like uberfied somehow ten seconds later.” I’m sure Scott and I’ll get the hang of it, but I don’t see us continuing to play after the trial period, really. Ah well…

City of Heroes… hum… roleplay. That’s it. That’s what I do. I RP and I love it, when I can get it.

I also got approved for Snow Patrol’s - Make This Go On Forever as well as Arucard & Seras Victoria from Hellsing’s relationship fanlisting. The latter got up in about two hours, need to make codes and write a bit of content for the former, then we’ll be go. Still need to think of a layout for the Chaos fanlisting. I might just go with something really simply and bursty. And write content… and yeah, shutting up now because I’m /tired/.

Okay, updates… updates. I got approved for Chaos over at the fanlistings and am hoping to make it into something great, as Chaos is one of my favourite conceptual things ever. Life is chaos, that’s its default state, there’s no way around it. Anyway.

Warcraft? Okay, so we went into Kara to retry Prince after the repeated failures of a couple of days before and one shotted him. He went down like a prom queen on prom night, seriously. It was beautiful, and lovely, and I passed on a healing cloak so Cortez could have it. Aren’t I nice?

So then we go into ZA, this was my first time in ZA, and we bit it… a lot, against the first Boss, because… yeah. Well, the tanks bit it a lot, most of the rest of us just ran until he reset, but the fun part was that he finally /did/ die on the… third or fourth try and I got new >robes Giddy me, giddy giddy me. They aren’t absolutely gorgeous, but shit, plus heal for the win.

City of Heroes? I’m disenchanted, and I’m bored. I love the game to a point, and the roleplay when I can get it is fantastic, but that’s the thing… when I can get it is becoming very, very infrequently. Ontop of that, I want to do some things on a more grand scale, and as it is, that’s a failing. So in other words….

I’m just waiting for a new game to try… which will probably be FFXI for a while if only because I got it for like 11$ and see no reason to not give a shot, since the first month is free and I can bring a friend along, yo. Seems like a good chance for me. I’ve heard terrible things, but hell, nothing’s perfect.

Regardless, life is, in and of itself, a terribly boring grind right now. Two more levels til that epic piece of gear, yet here I am. God, I need to stop playing MMOs so much.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - The Little Things Give You Away
via FoxyTunes

There’s really nothing new; it’s still freezing, I still have nothing to do, Kara runs, lack of RP, general insanity. That’s my life in a nutshell.

On a positive note, Yasunori Mitsuda’s fanlisting is now in the database, so he might get a member or two, but I’m doubting it. People adore him, but I don’t know just how many people will think to go into Musicians: Male after him. They tend to associate him with gaming rather than ‘music’, funny enough. Regardless, even if it’s just me for the duration, I’ll keep him.

*gives a shrug.* I have absolutely nothing to do at this point, still waiting to hear back on a few things, starved for roleplay in ways I can’t describe (to the point that I dreamt about Kara and RP. It was extremely messed up). I wish I could find something to do that’d actually hold my attention for more than a few minutes. Webdesign usually does that for me, but I’ve nothing new to work on, besides contentish stuff for Kusajishi.net which is still under heavy construction, and I’m getting no fan submissions (which puts things kind of ’scarce’). Regardless, I’ll figure something out, I think… and that’s twice I’ve used regardless… maybe I need more sleep, but I’m not really ‘tired’ or ’sleepy’, just kind of vaguely groggy, and in pain. Stupid hips and fibromyalgia. EEEEIAAAA.

… enough for now.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - Bleed it Out
via FoxyTunes

Congratulations, City of Heroes on breaking again. Everyday for the last month or so you’ve had frequent break-ups in service, mapservers all over the place, general lagginess. Bet this means it’s near’a’bouts time for another little issue, right…? Fix your game! FFS! It’s not that hard, just a little bit? Please?

… in other news, I need more stuff to build. They’re deciding on some of the movie fanlistings over at TFL but that might take a while, so I’m all antsy pants. Go me.

Shamless pluuuugs; Wordsmith, Maestro

… alrighty.

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Now playing: Vienna Teng - Gravity (Lake version)
via FoxyTunes

Not so much about anything in particular, just have some odd pent up energy and nothing to expend it on as of right now. Now new approvals, and no new sites or anything to work on.

However, I did finish the Yasunori Mitsuda fanlisting, so yay for that. Some of the codes are just terrible but I’m not in a place where I can be creative in such a small fashion. *rubs her face.* But I’m proud it’s up. I might write more content for it later, but I haven’t decided.

I also want to offer itty samples of his songs so people can find out how amazing the man is, but it seems a bit off, because I want them to support him even more. That’s how much I love him. Mm, Mitsu-music.

Also, I’m starving and there’s not anything to eat in the house that wont make me sick, so I might have to go scavenging through the cabinets for possible scalloped boxed potatoes and the like, but I’m not sure yet. I might just suffer… SUFFERRRR…

… more later, maybe.

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Now playing: Yasunori Mitsuda - Fated Encounter - The Fall of Darkness
via FoxyTunes

I didn’t sleep for a good nineteen hours, and then I slept for like ten…? I think it was like ten. It was unfortunate, either way. I’m not sure, I just woke up at around 2 am like “need food and to not be unconscious anymore.” so here I am.

Yesterday, however, before I passed out, I gave nomNOMnom a new layout, which I’m actually quite fond of, thinking of doing a similar style for the Yasunori Mitsuda fanlisting, in which I still need to write content and a fuckton of codes, as well. All in all, I’ve got my work cut out for me today.

Also, my gravy wont set up for my dinner, why do I fail at making proper gravy? So random and wrong.

I’ll write more later when I’ve more to write, yes?

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Now playing: Rise Against - Roadside
via FoxyTunes