My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago, and since then I’ve been making small hints at it here and trying to continue my life as if it is even anything. It’s harder now, it’s much harder being here with my father and feeling his grief and knowing that it is paramount to anything I could ever feel.
Tonight I was watching the Oscars with him, and Bette Midler started singing Wind Beneath my Wings, and I held it together for most of the song, but at one point I just broke down crying and realised that… she’s gone, and I miss her terribly. Knowing that horrifying, gnawing feeling in my gut and realising that my father’s feelings on the matter are much more destructive, as she was the love of his life, I wonder what I should do about this.
At what point do I give myself up to the idea that staying here might not be what’s right for me, but it might be what’s right for him. I should talk to him about it, but I’m afraid.
I’m also dizzy and my head hurts, so I’m going to take some ibuprofen as soon as I can get up and get a drink and then try to figure out what the hell I’m doing.