The Wednesday before this past one, I started getting really severe jaw pain which I associate with TMJ because… well, things to relieve it work somewhat, but it had me waking up every few hours with pain in my jaw while sleeping. I was getting 3-6 hours of sleep a night.  Fairly certain it was due to the stress and suddenness of us having to move houses and the realisation that it wasn’t going to be easy, no matter how on top of things we were.

I have stress and anxiety without exacerbating factors, and somehow it isn’t much of a stretch to imagine that adding that on top of it had me clenching my jaw at night with the stress and worry.

The real issue is that it then caused my to mess with one of my decaying teeth to the point that I spent 38 hours (this Tuesday and part of Wednesday morning) without any real sleep at all and in excruciating pain, which then led to an abscess forming against my jaw off to the side of the aforementioned tooth and swelling along my jaw.

Since it didn’t hurt at first, I just got some sleep… it felt good to not be in pain (including jaw pain from the TMJ issues) and I needed that time to sleep.  I think I got six hours before I had to take some pain meds for some mild soreness.  Later that night, I couldn’t sleep in the slightest ’cause my jaw had started to swell up and be sore to the point that I couldn’t function.

We went to a walk-in clinic and like 150$+ later I had an aggressive antibiotic, probiotics, and some stronger doses of ibuprofen.

Things seemed optimistic, the first dose of the ibuprofen made me feel so much better that I just spent some time lying there and being thrilled with it.  Not sleeping, but resting.  Shortly after, the first dose of Augmentin was taken, but I still hadn’t really slept in days so…

Now every time I lie down and start to fall asleep the jaw starts to swell up, moving into my cheek and making things nigh-impossible.  I can, at times, get an hour (almost to the dot) of sleep in short bursts.  Never more than that, and never more than three in total a night/day generally.

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a week and a half, and I’m onto my third day of antibiotics and so worried, equally because of the lack of improvement enough to sleep and because I’ve stopped taking my herbals/supplements (meaning my St Johns Wort,) that I find myself falling into bursts of sobbing fits.

They help, they make me terrified but they help.  Crying and sobbing releases more in me than I should be able to, but the lack of sleep has me so raw I can barely function.  I just want to be okay, and I’m not sure I’m going to be.  I want things to be normal enough that I can go to sleep and actually get sleep without my face trying to absorb my face and teeth into my cheek.

I want my mom, I want my dad, I want to be okay and I’m not sure it’s going to happen, and I had to put this somewhere, just in case it’s not okay; just in case nothing goes right and I end up ruined.  It shouldn’t be this hard to get help for things… it shouldn’t be a choice between death and nothing because you can’t even find a dentist most of the time willing to work with you. I need all my teeth pulled, I need dentures, I need to see doctors and I can’t afford to.

I need a job, I need help, but I can’t get those because I’m agoraphobic and have severe social anxiety and of course, the only way to get help in the world is to go out of your way, leap through hoops, and I’m never good at doing those things myself.

I’m scared.  I’m scared all the time and I don’t know how to function.  I have bouts of telling myself it has to be okay, but I don’t know how much I believe them.

The meds are all taking a toll on my stomach and so is the stress… I think the anxiety is exacerbating things, ’cause as well as the abscess making it difficult to open my jaw, the TMJ is also acting up through it all again from my constant tension.

I miss my friends… I miss being able to talk to the people I love without being afraid if I open my mouth (or type anything) it’ll turn into sobbing, incessant babbling.  I’m not loopy all that much; I’m lucid as shit and that’s more terrifying.  I know I overreact to things, but I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a week and a fucking half and I’m not any worse off in my disposition…

I need to go back to my sobbing therapy and rock myself a bit to try and get past this hump of worry.  I’m sure I’ll be trying to convince myself it’ll be fine again soon, but…

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