The Wednesday before this past one, I started getting really severe jaw pain which I associate with TMJ because… well, things to relieve it work somewhat, but it had me waking up every few hours with pain in my jaw while sleeping. I was getting 3-6 hours of sleep a night.  Fairly certain it was due to the stress and suddenness of us having to move houses and the realisation that it wasn’t going to be easy, no matter how on top of things we were.

I have stress and anxiety without exacerbating factors, and somehow it isn’t much of a stretch to imagine that adding that on top of it had me clenching my jaw at night with the stress and worry.

The real issue is that it then caused my to mess with one of my decaying teeth to the point that I spent 38 hours (this Tuesday and part of Wednesday morning) without any real sleep at all and in excruciating pain, which then led to an abscess forming against my jaw off to the side of the aforementioned tooth and swelling along my jaw.

Since it didn’t hurt at first, I just got some sleep… it felt good to not be in pain (including jaw pain from the TMJ issues) and I needed that time to sleep.  I think I got six hours before I had to take some pain meds for some mild soreness.  Later that night, I couldn’t sleep in the slightest ’cause my jaw had started to swell up and be sore to the point that I couldn’t function.

We went to a walk-in clinic and like 150$+ later I had an aggressive antibiotic, probiotics, and some stronger doses of ibuprofen.

Things seemed optimistic, the first dose of the ibuprofen made me feel so much better that I just spent some time lying there and being thrilled with it.  Not sleeping, but resting.  Shortly after, the first dose of Augmentin was taken, but I still hadn’t really slept in days so…

Now every time I lie down and start to fall asleep the jaw starts to swell up, moving into my cheek and making things nigh-impossible.  I can, at times, get an hour (almost to the dot) of sleep in short bursts.  Never more than that, and never more than three in total a night/day generally.

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a week and a half, and I’m onto my third day of antibiotics and so worried, equally because of the lack of improvement enough to sleep and because I’ve stopped taking my herbals/supplements (meaning my St Johns Wort,) that I find myself falling into bursts of sobbing fits.

They help, they make me terrified but they help.  Crying and sobbing releases more in me than I should be able to, but the lack of sleep has me so raw I can barely function.  I just want to be okay, and I’m not sure I’m going to be.  I want things to be normal enough that I can go to sleep and actually get sleep without my face trying to absorb my face and teeth into my cheek.

I want my mom, I want my dad, I want to be okay and I’m not sure it’s going to happen, and I had to put this somewhere, just in case it’s not okay; just in case nothing goes right and I end up ruined.  It shouldn’t be this hard to get help for things… it shouldn’t be a choice between death and nothing because you can’t even find a dentist most of the time willing to work with you. I need all my teeth pulled, I need dentures, I need to see doctors and I can’t afford to.

I need a job, I need help, but I can’t get those because I’m agoraphobic and have severe social anxiety and of course, the only way to get help in the world is to go out of your way, leap through hoops, and I’m never good at doing those things myself.

I’m scared.  I’m scared all the time and I don’t know how to function.  I have bouts of telling myself it has to be okay, but I don’t know how much I believe them.

The meds are all taking a toll on my stomach and so is the stress… I think the anxiety is exacerbating things, ’cause as well as the abscess making it difficult to open my jaw, the TMJ is also acting up through it all again from my constant tension.

I miss my friends… I miss being able to talk to the people I love without being afraid if I open my mouth (or type anything) it’ll turn into sobbing, incessant babbling.  I’m not loopy all that much; I’m lucid as shit and that’s more terrifying.  I know I overreact to things, but I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a week and a fucking half and I’m not any worse off in my disposition…

I need to go back to my sobbing therapy and rock myself a bit to try and get past this hump of worry.  I’m sure I’ll be trying to convince myself it’ll be fine again soon, but…

2016 Questionnaire

A good six years ago I did a questionnaire about the year previous; I’ve decided to do it again in good faith and see how I feel about it. The original post was removed because I’m trying to clean things up a bit and it was somewhat cringeworthy, but the original concept was from Georgie, so…

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
Not a damn thing of actual merit. I got on a sort of schedule and into new habits, though.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Sort of, I managed to do part of a goal I had set. I want to make some for this year but the general “lose more weight” and such seem lame, as those are always my goals. I might try reading more books or something like that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, and it’s a good thing as my dislike for children is growing every day. I don’t hate them, per se, I just don’t want to live with one… which I do right now.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully. Not sure I could handle that.

5. What countries did you visit?
Didn’t leave this one, unfortunately.

6. What would you like to have in the new year that you lacked in this?
Stability sounds good; I feel like I’m finally finding some grounding in my life and I’d like to be able to offer more. I’m going to be seeking employment opportunities that work for my personal disabilities and seeing if I can’t actually be of use.

7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory?
The day Trump was elected.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I think coming to terms with my own shortcomings and realising that things don’t always have to work out to be worth it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to recognise that I have worth most of the time. As much as I try to keep being positive my mind immediately spirals out because of my anxieties and things.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick a handful of times, but no injuries so to speak. Funny enough, this year has started off with me having a menstrual migraine that had me vomiting for 9 hours, so I think 2016 beats 2017 already.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
This weird little velvet room keychain for Pete.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I don’t know about this one; everyone sort of acted as they always have, it’s not so much that someone merited celebration specifically for their behaviour and more that people merited celebration just for being them.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Alice. She’s a monster. (she’s my roommate’s sister and my other roommate’s daughter it’s some shit how awful she is.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Buying pretty things for awesome people.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Garo event for FFXIV; it starts tomorrow and I’m so excited I can’t stand it, but it WAS announced last year so it counts.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2016?
Unfortunately, fucking PPAP.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? happier, I think.
b. thinner or fatter? thinner, woo.
c. richer or poorer? same, unfortunately.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Personal growth…?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complaining.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Exhausted mostly; was up the entire night before helping clean house and dealing with some people’s issues.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
In a call? My dad. Texting? Peter.

22. Did you fall in love this year?
No, not specifically. I am in love, though.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
Same as every year, Pinky. None.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Uh, not sure I had one specifically, to be honest. I kept up on Arrow and Supernatural, though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate’s a strong word, so no.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Still finishing it up, but the Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan is pretty good. And I started it last year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I’m not sure it counts, but I grew an absolute obsession with Hiroyuki Sawano; I’d loved his music before but I ended up obsessed with it before the year had even begun last year.

28. What did you want and get?
Pete? I guess, maybe, I don’t know. A Wii U, a new 3ds, some games (most of these bought by Pete, so yeah.)

29. What did you want and not get?
Pete? Sorta, I mean a few times, and it’s still complicated.

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Captain America: Civil War was pretty phenomenal.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nada! As always. My birthdays are lame and ridiculous; I’m 33.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to visit my dad without fear of hours long motion sickness and migraines after; if I could have afforded it I still would have done it even with those happening.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Same as it is every year, Pinky. Casual and comfortable.

34. What kept you sane?
My best friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Christina Hendricks, I suppose. That love hasn’t stopped in six years.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The. Election.

37. Who did you miss?
… my mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Didn’t meet a crazy lot of new people; Eri ranks even if it has only been a couple of months.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
That not everything works out the way you want it to, and it doesn’t really matter if it does or not. Sometimes things suck, and sometimes you love people more than they love you, but it doesn’t make either of you any less valid. People are hurt, and ‘damaged’, and sometimes they need time to come to terms with who they are before they can accept you, and that’s fine. But you also don’t have to suffer these things in silence; you’re allowed to demand you be taken care of even if the others have damage.

Time for some Overhaul

I’m going to go through, pare down posts, and re-do things a bit, and after all that’s done I’m going to do posts that I sort of enjoy doing. Like those lists. I LIKE doing that and sometimes it’s engaging, so back to the old drawing board.

King’s Quest 2015

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© Sierra & The Odd Gentleman

There’s something to be said about a game that — within the first 30 minutes of play even, depending on your choices — totally destroys your heart and makes you both attached to, and subsequently mourning a character that you were meant to be predisposed to kind of dislike.

With branching paths but some points being linear, King’s Quest (2015) has already made me overtly in love with one of its characters and ripped it away from me in the same breath, and it causes you to think back on the opening sequence, the first taste of the game play and story, and truly realise just how inevitable it all was.

As linear as a game like King’s Quest can be, the overall pathing is up to you, and in the end you can branch off into several sort of ‘paths’ that will — I’m sure — affect the outcome of future events in the upcoming released chapters.  While they all have merits, I think in the end it’s ultimately determined by what you want to present your King Graham as in the end, and that’s kind of lovely.

The most wonderful part of the game is really how the characters are developed, and how they’re presented as whole people who you only see the briefest glimpse of at first.  You perform snap judgments and create opinions based on half-information as most people do in real life as well, and through plotting out all of this story you find out the reason for their reactions and comments are fairly… normal.  They’re people with hopes and dreams and missteps, and in one case… they leave you with a hole in your — and Graham’s — heart, questioning everything you’ve done in the game up until that point.

The game itself is fairly short, but given that it’s the first chapter in a series of five, it’s to be expected.  What it gives you in that short time — a handful of hours if you’re playing it with a knowledge of ‘puzzling’ and how stories generally progress — is something so utterly and completely lovely that… for the first time in years, I’m chomping at the bit for the next Chapter and hoping it lives up to its predecessor.

King’s Quest 2015 is well worth its meager price tag of 9.99$ and the additional cost of the season pass, as well.  It’s not felt in the same vein as other games that have been released ‘half-finished’ with costly DLCs to ‘add to the experience’ which ultimately leave you feeling cheated and somewhat used, it feels like a teasing taste of something wonderful that hopefully doesn’t slowly go the way of the buffalo in its second and sequential chapters after.

Overall, it has been one of the most enjoyable playing experiences I’ve had in a while, and I might make a more spoiler full review later.

You can find more information and the various ways to purchase it at Sierra’s King’s Quest site.

Video

These quiet words, they carry me away
Returning
They keep coming back
In idle thoughts and hollow cut-aways
Disarm me
No will to attack

Though the sorrow and fear they may depart you today

I will fail you
Of that I’m sure
I will remind you of the pain forevermore
And when my sins are just a memory
Faith restored
I will fail you
To the core

Lost in the shadow of an endless grace
Relentless
My reign is unbound
In this abandon I will devastate
Dismember
Till agony’s found

Though the sorrow and fear they may depart you today

I will fail you
Of that I’m sure
I will remind you of the pain forevermore
And when my sins are just a memory
Faith restored
I will fail you
To the core

I know they prey upon me
I feel them just beyond my door

I will fail you
Of that I’m sure
I will remind you of the pain forevermore
And when my sins are just a memory
Faith restored
I will fail you
To the core