It’s a weird thing to sit and think about one’s own confidence – or in my case, lack thereof – because it makes you start to question how things ended up that way.
There are times when I feel confident, even cocky, but it usually comes after someone I don’t like has tried to put me down or push me out of something and it’s more rage than confidence, and the cockiness shrouds the scared little girl who doesn’t really believe what she’s saying.
Years of being told you’re mediocre for the sake of someone else’s ego will do this to a person, and it’s not as if I don’t have people in my life to tell me wonderful things about myself, I do… but I fail to see them the same way they do, and it either leads to me ‘not believing them’ or something of the sort.
I find myself overanalysing situations in which I’m involved and my friends are suddenly upset or ill, and first I want to apologise for whatever I did… but then my mind comes in with the comment that I’m not as important as I think I am so it can’t really be just something I did that is causing this, and to say some apology like it is would make me seem ridiculous. So I go in a circle with myself and end up biting my nails down to the quick and cause myself further pain – I know… right? weird.
But then it goes further than that, my lack of self confidence may have actually caused me to not apologise for something I might have caused, or in other cases, cause me to not go for something that I truly want because… what happens if I fail? What does that say about me as a person?
I have a feeling tonight is going to be spent with my stomach in knots trying to figure out just what’s going on with my head, which might lead to me going to bed early.