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have some of my pre-sick face. Well, it was literally like two hours before I got really sick and started my slow decline into being ridiculously sore-throaty, cough up a lungy sick. So… y’know… that and I’m broken out around my mouth. rawrface.

One Hundred Ninety Four

My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago, and since then I’ve been making small hints at it here and trying to continue my life as if it is even anything. It’s harder now, it’s much harder being here with my father and feeling his grief and knowing that it is paramount to anything I could ever feel.

Tonight I was watching the Oscars with him, and Bette Midler started singing Wind Beneath my Wings, and I held it together for most of the song, but at one point I just broke down crying and realised that… she’s gone, and I miss her terribly. Knowing that horrifying, gnawing feeling in my gut and realising that my father’s feelings on the matter are much more destructive, as she was the love of his life, I wonder what I should do about this.

At what point do I give myself up to the idea that staying here might not be what’s right for me, but it might be what’s right for him. I should talk to him about it, but I’m afraid.

I’m also dizzy and my head hurts, so I’m going to take some ibuprofen as soon as I can get up and get a drink and then try to figure out what the hell I’m doing.

Haven’t heard a thing.

Love is a strong word to use for someone that you can just stop talking to, I think.  I still think about it every day, and stupid things like how his character was going to carve some wood figurine (wood crafter wood crafts) of mine in passing at some point. Haven’t heard a word since I got a random ‘Shut up.’ a few days ago that led to nothing. I suppose I should just follow orders and leave well enough alone. Love never happened there from the other side but I still got to feel terrible about having Id in my life, isn’t that awful.

Stressing out others

I’m worried that the way I am right now might be forcing me to stress out others around me, and that’s especially hard given a new relationship and my want to not see it kind of destroyed.  I need reassurance and it’s silly to put that on someone else considering he gives me thing that do reassure me and I only notice them after I’ve been a complete asscrack about something else.  I don’t know, it’s a weird sort of feeling.  I keep sneezing too, and since I’m sick it makes me act a whole lot more ridiculous.  Either way, gotta work on improving and stopping that.