Category Archives: Life

Think like a penguin

penguiny

I spent a good half an hour laughing at this last night, because as a penguiny person, I can absolutely understand the internal dialogue in that penguin’s head.

Penguin: Huh, that’s pretty far down, maybe I’ll just go back.
*goes to turn… foot slips.*
Penguin: FUCKFUCKFUCK… I REGRET EVERYTHING.
*splash.*

Gonna go be penguiny in this corner over here.

Don’t Expect Me to Treat you Differently.

I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my head lately, and I find myself more and more leaning towards the idea that I, in some places, give way more than I get.  I don’t mind it, it’s not about an equal trade, but I would like to receive something – no anything material or anything huge, but some kind of recognition that what I’m doing isn’t in vain.

I don’t want to be screaming into an abyss and trying to make a foothold and a stand in some way where someone forgets everything I do, or try to do for them, and it rolls under the table because… having a number of people who kind of sometimes support you is better than having someone who supports you fully.

I’ve had this notion lately that if I try hard enough, I’ll be able to show people how good it could be with people like that.  That no matter what, you’re deserving of love, and part of me understands it’s just a vain and hopeful attempt at giving myself a feeling of a safety net… that no matter how hard I am on myself I deserve someone who will treat me well and love me.

The problem is, I think I’m creating a different kind of rift.  A position where someone can have someone support them and love them all the time, but have them up on a shelf or in a cabinet when it isn’t something they necessarily need at that moment.  Because of my position in that, I allow it, I allow that kind of use and abuse and think to myself that, no matter what, this person does deserve someone to love them and care for them.  It doesn’t matter what they’ve done, or if they’ve hurt me, because somewhere in there is just a hopeless person who needs some belief.

I don’t think I have anyone like that in my life, anyone that I can do that to — and I’d hope I wouldn’t do it even if I did, but people are, after all, just human — and I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  Am I seriously creating a situation in which people are too dependent on that support to the point that they’ll let other people walk all over them knowing that no matter how many times they fall and how often they treat me or themselves like dirt that I’ll be there to catch them is actually creating a weakness.

My problem is when I have someone willing to give me everything, I tend to want everything and there isn’t that moment of shelving.  Which makes me wonder, considering previous breaks in my own support system, if it isn’t a healthier way to put people away for a while, to give them a break… or is there a happy medium in which both parties can be taking and giving and being around each other without falling apart or snapping at tenuous strands.

I think this is one of the reasons I don’t write anymore – it always turns into this.

Horrifyingly Bad at Doing Things.

I had every intention to join Talen Lee this year in doing something constructive with my blog. Writing a short story to form a larger collective of stories, and even try to collect my thoughts in such a way as to review games.

Last year he finished his story without fail and even got started on his game reviewing, and this year he’s been on schedule pretty hardcore and awesomely, and yet here I am and I couldn’t even make it a week?

I wonder sometimes if I’m just afraid of the idea of failure or if I seriously avoid these things because of the idea of the work and commitment it takes.

I know, in the end, reading reviews of games by me wouldn’t provide anything constructive because I wouldn’t be discussing pros and cons in any real way, but instead ranting about little things I liked – and while that’s fine and dandy, no one’s going to read it, and if you’re not writing to be read, what are you doing?

We had a discussion recently about doing things that you like in writing, things that you will enjoy and love to take part in, but at the same time, I argued, others have to enjoy it as well. He didn’t disagree, but apparently there’s a point in some people’s lives where they stop caring about if people are enjoying what they write and instead just write to sate themselves.

This, of course, makes me think of the Aglows of the world, and yeah if she comes by here and sees that, stuff it, I don’t care. It’s fine if she wants to write that and people around her enjoy it, but I don’t think she has ever once written something purely for the enjoyment of another person, or even with their enjoyment paramount to her own – it doesn’t make her selfish, per se, but it doesn’t really make her someone I’d want to be around, either.

I have people around me that do write for the enjoyment of others — sometimes to a fault, you know who you are, and I love you for it, but stop — and it’s not good to put what you want behind the wants of others, but you should at least consider this: Is what I’m writing giving anything to anyone, and if not, why am I making it public?

So I wonder if, even writing this, I’m afraid that I’ve hit the point where I’m not writing things people enjoy, and know it deep down and am trying to curb myself, or if maybe I really am just afraid of the failure that comes with writing something you want people to enjoy but then they do not.

(as I went to put this into categories I realised I didn’t even have a writing category, if that explains it any further, heh.)

Timing.

I have some of my best ideas for posts or intelligent things to say after I have given in to whatever I am feeling and crawled onto my tablet for the night.

My timing is always poor, not just in the case of ideas for posts, but in all things I do in life.

Joining a group at the end of its last legs. Finding people who are much happier being broken than being happy. Entering a life after that life has been burned so badly that someone wonderful now thinks so poorly of themselves it’s impossible to see them out. Finding interest in something on its downswing and knowing it is going away in a way that you cannot combat.

My sense of timing is poor, but I wonder if it’s not a form of quiet self preservation and I fit into more than one of the aforementioned examples.

To those who love me, I am sorry if I do fit into those categories.

New Computer and Happy Times.

Well, relatively speaking. I still have periodic emotional breakdowns that seem to end up with me making someone feel terrible without wanting to, and then I feel terrible, and then I go numb and go back on everything I’d been fighting for. It’s a vicious cycle, but kind of moot at this point, because….

NEW COMPUTER!

No, but seriously. It might not blow brand new gaming machines out of the water, but it’s perfect for what I need it to do. It’s wonderful not having to wait twenty minutes to do anything because of the shared gpu or anything like that. I can play games that I enjoy, talk to people, listen to spotify again while in games (which is rekindling love for songs I’d forgotten all about) and it makes doing my work a lot easier (Yes, I have a job, don’t ask, if I told you I’d have to kill you or something.)

I have been crazy thirsty since I got this thing and my tongue works like crazy against the back of my teeth. Especially sometimes when I’m typing. I just noticed this, hence letting you in on this tidbit right now.

I have not a lot to write about other than excitement over new comptar machine. Generally speaking, I’ve been meh, but having a job and a new computer is making things much easier. <3