I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my head lately, and I find myself more and more leaning towards the idea that I, in some places, give way more than I get. I don’t mind it, it’s not about an equal trade, but I would like to receive something – no anything material or anything huge, but some kind of recognition that what I’m doing isn’t in vain.
I don’t want to be screaming into an abyss and trying to make a foothold and a stand in some way where someone forgets everything I do, or try to do for them, and it rolls under the table because… having a number of people who kind of sometimes support you is better than having someone who supports you fully.
I’ve had this notion lately that if I try hard enough, I’ll be able to show people how good it could be with people like that. That no matter what, you’re deserving of love, and part of me understands it’s just a vain and hopeful attempt at giving myself a feeling of a safety net… that no matter how hard I am on myself I deserve someone who will treat me well and love me.
The problem is, I think I’m creating a different kind of rift. A position where someone can have someone support them and love them all the time, but have them up on a shelf or in a cabinet when it isn’t something they necessarily need at that moment. Because of my position in that, I allow it, I allow that kind of use and abuse and think to myself that, no matter what, this person does deserve someone to love them and care for them. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done, or if they’ve hurt me, because somewhere in there is just a hopeless person who needs some belief.
I don’t think I have anyone like that in my life, anyone that I can do that to — and I’d hope I wouldn’t do it even if I did, but people are, after all, just human — and I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Am I seriously creating a situation in which people are too dependent on that support to the point that they’ll let other people walk all over them knowing that no matter how many times they fall and how often they treat me or themselves like dirt that I’ll be there to catch them is actually creating a weakness.
My problem is when I have someone willing to give me everything, I tend to want everything and there isn’t that moment of shelving. Which makes me wonder, considering previous breaks in my own support system, if it isn’t a healthier way to put people away for a while, to give them a break… or is there a happy medium in which both parties can be taking and giving and being around each other without falling apart or snapping at tenuous strands.
I think this is one of the reasons I don’t write anymore – it always turns into this.