This is my sick face, Rawrrrrrr.
I’m worried that the way I am right now might be forcing me to stress out others around me, and that’s especially hard given a new relationship and my want to not see it kind of destroyed. I need reassurance and it’s silly to put that on someone else considering he gives me thing that do reassure me and I only notice them after I’ve been a complete asscrack about something else. I don’t know, it’s a weird sort of feeling. I keep sneezing too, and since I’m sick it makes me act a whole lot more ridiculous. Either way, gotta work on improving and stopping that.
I’m going to be on a plane next Saturday at around 7 am on my way back to Kentucky for about 10 days. There are things that need to be done and sorted out before everything can even try to get back to any sense of normalcy, so that leaves me with some planning to do for the next week and a half on what I need to take, what I should prepare for, and what I should put on my tablet to keep me entertained on the plane. I’m hoping it isn’t ridiculously hot on the plane like last time and that I don’t end up throwing up in my mouth and being so embarrassed I just hold it for like five minutes too. I don’t know, I’m hoping things are a bit smoother, but considering the reasons for going I’m anticipating horrifyingly dire circumstances. Much music and episodes of Samurai Flamenco need to be put on so that I can try not to get too wound up before I get there. I wish I traveled better – if I got more exercise I’d be better off, that is apparently a thing. If wishes were horses… I’d also be over this whatever is wrong with me – I’m sick and wish I had insurance (allred insurance burlington nc) so I could get some help before I leave, but hey. Life’s a thing.
Listening to the Adore album by the Smashing Pumpkins made me think about all the notions I had as a teenager about destiny, love, and what was meant to be.
I think I might have been more than just a romantic, I was an idiot to think that stumbling on a boy I used to emote throwing snowballs at was somehow a sign from the universe that we were in any way meant to be. It’s dumb, and I can’t believe how often I’d tell those lies to myself.
If it takes someone six plus years of your devotion while they fuck around to realise they love you, there’s a good chance they don’t… or if they did, they have for a while and kept you hanging anyway.
Having someone who is terrified, but says he’d rather leap than possibly miss the chance to be with me? That’s better than any romanticised notion of destiny to justify pining after someone for years. If he can’t easily say he loves you, or is in love with you yet, but is still wanting to be with you because he does care, does love even if it’s not full-on in love? That’s a man I’m willing to give my heart to, even if it gets broken, because I matter to him.
To all the boys mad at me for whatever reason? Now is my turn to be selfish. What I’m going through trumps yours. I’m sorry, fuck you… if your feelings matter more than me needing my friends right now? If your hurt feelings mean that much…? You didn’t care to begin with.
Rant over. Drea has a boyfriend and he’s wonderful. Ending on a positive note.
I think because of how much I’ve been crying I’ve found a point when I am ridiculously sick. The back of my throat hurts so incredibly bad I’m not really sure what to do with it. I know I still need to make a difficult (always difficult, but always necessary) call later, but I’m trying to put it off for just a bit so that I don’t end up messing things up. I feel kind of like garbage and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and ignore absolutely everything, but that’s not really what is allowed right now, you know? Life’s weird… so’s death.