Unstable is a word thrown around a lot to describe someone who just doesn’t feel completely okay, but sometimes people really are wholly unstable and the word brings more meaning. I’m not really sure which I am right now; the feigned version of unstable or the actual version, all I know is the experience I’m having is leaving me less than comfortable with everything.
My eye is still having a bit of issues, not as bad as it did that one year where I couldn’t even look at the light without screaming in pain, but still bad enough that my vision blurs and it causes serious issues in me reading things somethings, especially on simulated digital screens. I honestly think it’s just getting to the point where I need glasses but can’t really afford them, but this level of blurring coupled with my already diagnosed astigmatism is making it harder to get the things done that I want to.
Somehow, this has also led to me being more active in the things I do. Having schedules for doing laundry and finishing up the dishes in the kitchen for the whole house every night instead of finding reasons to put these things off. Feeling like I’m in control of that is perhaps helping to curb the unsettling feeling of being in the uncontrollable situation of eye-failure – I’m not sure.
All in all, though, it’s leaving me raw and frayed, and sooner or later frayed things tend to break or fall apart. I want to avoid that but have no idea how, so instead I flounder around and make my friends feel terrible without meaning to, while also wondering if perhaps I should not be around for a while since I think I’m such bad company that they might actually be actively avoiding me at times.
Fuck my life.