2016 Questionnaire

A good six years ago I did a questionnaire about the year previous; I’ve decided to do it again in good faith and see how I feel about it. The original post was removed because I’m trying to clean things up a bit and it was somewhat cringeworthy, but the original concept was from Georgie, so…

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
Not a damn thing of actual merit. I got on a sort of schedule and into new habits, though.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Sort of, I managed to do part of a goal I had set. I want to make some for this year but the general “lose more weight” and such seem lame, as those are always my goals. I might try reading more books or something like that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, and it’s a good thing as my dislike for children is growing every day. I don’t hate them, per se, I just don’t want to live with one… which I do right now.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully. Not sure I could handle that.

5. What countries did you visit?
Didn’t leave this one, unfortunately.

6. What would you like to have in the new year that you lacked in this?
Stability sounds good; I feel like I’m finally finding some grounding in my life and I’d like to be able to offer more. I’m going to be seeking employment opportunities that work for my personal disabilities and seeing if I can’t actually be of use.

7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory?
The day Trump was elected.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I think coming to terms with my own shortcomings and realising that things don’t always have to work out to be worth it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to recognise that I have worth most of the time. As much as I try to keep being positive my mind immediately spirals out because of my anxieties and things.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick a handful of times, but no injuries so to speak. Funny enough, this year has started off with me having a menstrual migraine that had me vomiting for 9 hours, so I think 2016 beats 2017 already.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
This weird little velvet room keychain for Pete.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I don’t know about this one; everyone sort of acted as they always have, it’s not so much that someone merited celebration specifically for their behaviour and more that people merited celebration just for being them.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Alice. She’s a monster. (she’s my roommate’s sister and my other roommate’s daughter it’s some shit how awful she is.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Buying pretty things for awesome people.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Garo event for FFXIV; it starts tomorrow and I’m so excited I can’t stand it, but it WAS announced last year so it counts.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2016?
Unfortunately, fucking PPAP.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? happier, I think.
b. thinner or fatter? thinner, woo.
c. richer or poorer? same, unfortunately.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Personal growth…?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complaining.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Exhausted mostly; was up the entire night before helping clean house and dealing with some people’s issues.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
In a call? My dad. Texting? Peter.

22. Did you fall in love this year?
No, not specifically. I am in love, though.

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
Same as every year, Pinky. None.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Uh, not sure I had one specifically, to be honest. I kept up on Arrow and Supernatural, though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate’s a strong word, so no.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Still finishing it up, but the Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan is pretty good. And I started it last year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I’m not sure it counts, but I grew an absolute obsession with Hiroyuki Sawano; I’d loved his music before but I ended up obsessed with it before the year had even begun last year.

28. What did you want and get?
Pete? I guess, maybe, I don’t know. A Wii U, a new 3ds, some games (most of these bought by Pete, so yeah.)

29. What did you want and not get?
Pete? Sorta, I mean a few times, and it’s still complicated.

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Captain America: Civil War was pretty phenomenal.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nada! As always. My birthdays are lame and ridiculous; I’m 33.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to visit my dad without fear of hours long motion sickness and migraines after; if I could have afforded it I still would have done it even with those happening.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Same as it is every year, Pinky. Casual and comfortable.

34. What kept you sane?
My best friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Christina Hendricks, I suppose. That love hasn’t stopped in six years.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The. Election.

37. Who did you miss?
… my mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Didn’t meet a crazy lot of new people; Eri ranks even if it has only been a couple of months.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
That not everything works out the way you want it to, and it doesn’t really matter if it does or not. Sometimes things suck, and sometimes you love people more than they love you, but it doesn’t make either of you any less valid. People are hurt, and ‘damaged’, and sometimes they need time to come to terms with who they are before they can accept you, and that’s fine. But you also don’t have to suffer these things in silence; you’re allowed to demand you be taken care of even if the others have damage.

When the Abnormal is the Norm

Some days are better than others, but mostly they run together in a fluid mess of… not so much bad, but not good.

It feels like at some point in depression you get so used to being sad that you only really notice how bad it is when it’s really, really bad.  There’s a phenomenon of living with pain so long that you become so numb to just how miserable you are that the moments without pain become more jarring than the ones with it, and I feel that applies just as keenly to depression.

Usually I’m triggered by something — intrusive thoughts or just a small example of things going wrong will snowball me harder than the bigger things, sometimes — and from there I’m scrambling to try to find footing and work myself through the anxiety and sadness that comes with each of these episodes.

Scenario: Former boyfriend — now good friend — and I spend all our days together.  I help him out while he’s at work and things get done because the idea of him being behind on things and having to go late into the night to keep up on MMO stuff bugs the shit out of me because, well, as mentioned, I’m kind of in love with him.  Sunday’s the free day, it’s the day where he can choose to do whatever he wants and attend to things because he’s actually able to be there. On this day he chooses to hang out with someone else.

While I consciously understand that hanging out with someone else is fine and doesn’t in any way mean that he, when given the choice, will choose someone else over me, the anxious part of me harps on that.  I realise that I’m being ridiculous, I realise these feelings are beyond ludicrous, and yet still I am hindered by them.  The anxiety’s still here, and still I want to cry my eyes out (while trying very hard not to because my father might pop in at any moment and he would definitely ask why I was crying.)

People always tell me I should get distance in these situations.  They don’t understand why people are friends with people they used to date, and I think that’s absolutely fucking stupid — pardon my French.  It’s idiotic to think that just because the kissing part of your relationship is done that you’re done being around someone.  If I loved them enough for it to make me want to cry at the loss, then I love them enough to make the effort to be friends.

This isn’t an issue of proximity, or trying to stay close, or even being fiends; it’s my emotions and their imbalance and how sometimes things just go south and I run with a scenario like a child who just stole a cookie.  I want to hide behind a pillar and devour it until my sadness is sated, even though I know it’ll make me sick.

I’ve digressed from my original point, but it still stands… I’m not sure how to feel that I’m so used to being sad that even these moments tend to pass without me even speaking them to much of anyone for the most part, or the second I admit them to someone I feel guilty for putting my sadness and drama on them and immediately force it into the pit of my stomach and let it form a stone or something to drag me down further.  I’d rather suffer than make others deal with my nonsense, and that’s just as destructive.

Depression is some nonsense, I really should do something about it.

Image

Artistic Expression (though not mine)

Mayuri Kotonoha

Art © Tovio Rogers

I’ve had a rough twenty-four hour period, and I am understanding that it is not as rough as some have had and even in the scheme of people experiencing the exact same feeling, mine is probably less valid because of circumstance, but it doesn’t make it any less assy.

The night before, I was in a stream with my good friend Tovio Rogers ( dA/FB/tumblr/twitter)as he was drawing up art like above for 15$ (this is not his usual rate, these are more stress release stream commissions, he is easily worth his regular rates though so hit him up) like a maniac, and kept deferring people to go ahead of me so they could see their art drawn live — everyone should get to do that once and it’s fairly amazing so I don’t mind waiting — and ended up getting mine the next day (which was last night.)

As he was finishing up another friend of mine’s piece, my boyfriend and I sort of mutually decided to call it for now, it wasn’t fair to him — or to me, as he says — that he wasn’t ready to be in that sort of relationship while I was very much ready and in love with him.  So I went from slight giddy to completely destroyed in moments.

There’s no hard feelings towards my ex, I’m just sad to have lost what I had, though I realise he and I will continue to be friends and someday — and yes I understand how toxic that sounds but it’s really not — it might work out.  We are what we are and we can only be honest.

It hasn’t changed that feeling of utter disappointment and crushing self-defeat I always feel when something crumbles in my hands, but I’m adult enough to know that if you love someone, especially enough to say that you were in love with them, acting like you can just let them go because the kissing portion of your relationship is over is ridiculous.

I’m an adult and I have adult relationships, but childish reactions to the end of them, in which I’m crying and snotty and completely and utterly broken.  I don’t think you ever really outgrow that feeling, either.  You will always sort of fall apart if something was worth having… it’s not like it was every time someone fucked me over in the past, when I was crying out of anger, it was literally mourning a piece of something that was now dead comparatively to the actual livelihood of our continued friendship.

That being said, I went from not knowing just what I wanted for Mayuri — my Au Ra OC from Final Fantasy XIV — to knowing that I wanted her drawn sad, and then in the Thavnairian Bustier… upon seeing the art Tovio did of her, I’m going to make some stylistic changes to her appearance to better match this art as she’s exactly what I wanted.

Sometimes an artist knows what you want better than you do, and because Tovio and I are good friends and he’s done so much art for me, he knew exactly what to do for me, and how to make my sadness into something beautiful.

Total Artgasm.

Dreams

My dreams are weird, and usually involve something completely off the wall and ridiculous, like the dozen or so times I’ve had real magic powers and still had to fake it in my dream, or when I had wings but they didn’t just allow me to fly I had to learn to work the muscles in my back and still only got a few feet before exhaustion, but sometimes they’re the most weird when they’re not weird at all.

Before I woke up this afternoon I had a dream that I… woke up this afternoon.  Almost exactly like how I actually woke up, though I’m sure there were some glaring, insane differences that I can’t recall now, but I remember sitting up, hitting my phone to see that it was 1 pm, feeling still tired and laying my head down on the opposite side of the bed as I was sleeping on and crashed out again saying I couldn’t get up just yet.

The weirder part is this dream followed another dream — prior to me waking up slightly and saying I’d roll over just one more time, as I always do — in which I was peeing and realised my period had started and was really fucking annoyed by the act of having to put on a pad and how obnoxious sleeping would be for a while because of it, especially having just gotten over that abscess.

Those two dreams in succession were easily the weirdest dreams I’ve had in ages because of how normal and uninteresting they were.  I started my period all crampy, annoyed, and then fell back asleep after checking the time.  It’s this sort of surreal, realistic dream that always leaves me feeling the most groggy all day.

Like yes, please, I need more reality in my reality and to repeat the mundane over and over again before I’m forced to do it in reality, thank you brain.

I wonder if it’s a sign of depression, but someone once told me if you’re depressed you don’t dream, or at least you don’t recall them… but I doubt there’s any real science behind that.  I’ll have to look it up at some point, but… it feels like the more normal a dream the worse it gets me.

Lately, interspersed in all the craziness and crazy-normal dreams, I have ones where my mom shows up and it’s great, but after a while I say something akin to ‘you shouldn’t be here‘ and I realise, in my dream, that’s she’s gone and it’s… emotionally draining and I sob in my dream but feel the physical effects when I wake up.

Dreams are really fucking weird…

Hair Things

I went through the long, drawn out process of twice-bleaching my hair and dying it weird colours.  I still have some work to do on it, because my hair was way too long to settle for one bottle of dye for the blue-green parts… so I’m going to add some blue and other things in spots I missed, but hey, so far I’ve got something going.