I went through the long, drawn out process of twice-bleaching my hair and dying it weird colours. I still have some work to do on it, because my hair was way too long to settle for one bottle of dye for the blue-green parts… so I’m going to add some blue and other things in spots I missed, but hey, so far I’ve got something going.
have some of my pre-sick face. Well, it was literally like two hours before I got really sick and started my slow decline into being ridiculously sore-throaty, cough up a lungy sick. So… y’know… that and I’m broken out around my mouth. rawrface.
My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago, and since then I’ve been making small hints at it here and trying to continue my life as if it is even anything. It’s harder now, it’s much harder being here with my father and feeling his grief and knowing that it is paramount to anything I could ever feel.
Tonight I was watching the Oscars with him, and Bette Midler started singing Wind Beneath my Wings, and I held it together for most of the song, but at one point I just broke down crying and realised that… she’s gone, and I miss her terribly. Knowing that horrifying, gnawing feeling in my gut and realising that my father’s feelings on the matter are much more destructive, as she was the love of his life, I wonder what I should do about this.
At what point do I give myself up to the idea that staying here might not be what’s right for me, but it might be what’s right for him. I should talk to him about it, but I’m afraid.
I’m also dizzy and my head hurts, so I’m going to take some ibuprofen as soon as I can get up and get a drink and then try to figure out what the hell I’m doing.
Listening to the Adore album by the Smashing Pumpkins made me think about all the notions I had as a teenager about destiny, love, and what was meant to be.
I think I might have been more than just a romantic, I was an idiot to think that stumbling on a boy I used to emote throwing snowballs at was somehow a sign from the universe that we were in any way meant to be. It’s dumb, and I can’t believe how often I’d tell those lies to myself.
If it takes someone six plus years of your devotion while they fuck around to realise they love you, there’s a good chance they don’t… or if they did, they have for a while and kept you hanging anyway.
Having someone who is terrified, but says he’d rather leap than possibly miss the chance to be with me? That’s better than any romanticised notion of destiny to justify pining after someone for years. If he can’t easily say he loves you, or is in love with you yet, but is still wanting to be with you because he does care, does love even if it’s not full-on in love? That’s a man I’m willing to give my heart to, even if it gets broken, because I matter to him.
To all the boys mad at me for whatever reason? Now is my turn to be selfish. What I’m going through trumps yours. I’m sorry, fuck you… if your feelings matter more than me needing my friends right now? If your hurt feelings mean that much…? You didn’t care to begin with.
Rant over. Drea has a boyfriend and he’s wonderful. Ending on a positive note.