I’m not better, I’ll never truly be better, but I’m improving a bit on my disposition over the last couple of months. I am trying to become less full-on and go back to the laid-back type of person I know I used to be. This is all being aided by the fact that I’m sick, but really I think I can manage this just fine – because in the end, if I’m worth something people will make the effort, right? So I have to believe in the idea that I’m worth something.
It’s a ridiculously hard thing to convince yourself of after years of self-deprecation (as well as outside forces deprecating) everything you do, but in the end I think I’m fully capable of at least marginally ‘calming the fuck down’ and realising my own worth.
I say this now, but you know in an hour I’ll be falling apart all over myself again. But generally speaking, the moments when I feel ‘lucid’ enough to make these realisations need to be documented so that I can reflect on them later.