Horrifyingly Bad at Doing Things.

I had every intention to join Talen Lee this year in doing something constructive with my blog. Writing a short story to form a larger collective of stories, and even try to collect my thoughts in such a way as to review games.

Last year he finished his story without fail and even got started on his game reviewing, and this year he’s been on schedule pretty hardcore and awesomely, and yet here I am and I couldn’t even make it a week?

I wonder sometimes if I’m just afraid of the idea of failure or if I seriously avoid these things because of the idea of the work and commitment it takes.

I know, in the end, reading reviews of games by me wouldn’t provide anything constructive because I wouldn’t be discussing pros and cons in any real way, but instead ranting about little things I liked – and while that’s fine and dandy, no one’s going to read it, and if you’re not writing to be read, what are you doing?

We had a discussion recently about doing things that you like in writing, things that you will enjoy and love to take part in, but at the same time, I argued, others have to enjoy it as well. He didn’t disagree, but apparently there’s a point in some people’s lives where they stop caring about if people are enjoying what they write and instead just write to sate themselves.

This, of course, makes me think of the Aglows of the world, and yeah if she comes by here and sees that, stuff it, I don’t care. It’s fine if she wants to write that and people around her enjoy it, but I don’t think she has ever once written something purely for the enjoyment of another person, or even with their enjoyment paramount to her own – it doesn’t make her selfish, per se, but it doesn’t really make her someone I’d want to be around, either.

I have people around me that do write for the enjoyment of others — sometimes to a fault, you know who you are, and I love you for it, but stop — and it’s not good to put what you want behind the wants of others, but you should at least consider this: Is what I’m writing giving anything to anyone, and if not, why am I making it public?

So I wonder if, even writing this, I’m afraid that I’ve hit the point where I’m not writing things people enjoy, and know it deep down and am trying to curb myself, or if maybe I really am just afraid of the failure that comes with writing something you want people to enjoy but then they do not.

(as I went to put this into categories I realised I didn’t even have a writing category, if that explains it any further, heh.)

Timing.

I have some of my best ideas for posts or intelligent things to say after I have given in to whatever I am feeling and crawled onto my tablet for the night.

My timing is always poor, not just in the case of ideas for posts, but in all things I do in life.

Joining a group at the end of its last legs. Finding people who are much happier being broken than being happy. Entering a life after that life has been burned so badly that someone wonderful now thinks so poorly of themselves it’s impossible to see them out. Finding interest in something on its downswing and knowing it is going away in a way that you cannot combat.

My sense of timing is poor, but I wonder if it’s not a form of quiet self preservation and I fit into more than one of the aforementioned examples.

To those who love me, I am sorry if I do fit into those categories.

New Computer and Happy Times.

Well, relatively speaking. I still have periodic emotional breakdowns that seem to end up with me making someone feel terrible without wanting to, and then I feel terrible, and then I go numb and go back on everything I’d been fighting for. It’s a vicious cycle, but kind of moot at this point, because….

NEW COMPUTER!

No, but seriously. It might not blow brand new gaming machines out of the water, but it’s perfect for what I need it to do. It’s wonderful not having to wait twenty minutes to do anything because of the shared gpu or anything like that. I can play games that I enjoy, talk to people, listen to spotify again while in games (which is rekindling love for songs I’d forgotten all about) and it makes doing my work a lot easier (Yes, I have a job, don’t ask, if I told you I’d have to kill you or something.)

I have been crazy thirsty since I got this thing and my tongue works like crazy against the back of my teeth. Especially sometimes when I’m typing. I just noticed this, hence letting you in on this tidbit right now.

I have not a lot to write about other than excitement over new comptar machine. Generally speaking, I’ve been meh, but having a job and a new computer is making things much easier. <3

Improvement

I’m not better, I’ll never truly be better, but I’m improving a bit on my disposition over the last couple of months.  I am trying to become less full-on and go back to the laid-back type of person I know I used to be.  This is all being aided by the fact that I’m sick, but really I think I can manage this just fine – because in the end, if I’m worth something people will make the effort, right? So I have to believe in the idea that I’m worth something.

It’s a ridiculously hard thing to convince yourself of after years of self-deprecation (as well as outside forces deprecating) everything you do, but in the end I think I’m fully capable of at least marginally ‘calming the fuck down’ and realising my own worth.

I say this now, but you know in an hour I’ll be falling apart all over myself again.  But generally speaking, the moments when I feel ‘lucid’ enough to make these realisations need to be documented so that I can reflect on them later.

Pleas.

I find it really hard to hold together lately.  I have things going on and I can’t just… I can’t seem to keep my mind on the things I need to, and instead drift to the things that make my stomach twist and go out of control.

A belly full of pills and a bottle of water is not a good breeding ground for churning stress and thoughts about things you don’t want in there.  The weirdest part is I know I should just remove myself from every situation in which I’m causing stress for the people I love – Yes, it sucks so very hard to think that I’ll lose that, but can you imagine how much better it’d be…?

I can’t make my mind line up with my emotions – I’m perfectly fine at dealing for a time, and then one thing shifts, like a single grain of sand, and my stomach is eating away at its own lining and I’m trying to figure out how I got here.

Eh, just needed to vent.  Time to go wallow in something not related at all.