Category Archives: Personal

Improvement

I’m not better, I’ll never truly be better, but I’m improving a bit on my disposition over the last couple of months.  I am trying to become less full-on and go back to the laid-back type of person I know I used to be.  This is all being aided by the fact that I’m sick, but really I think I can manage this just fine – because in the end, if I’m worth something people will make the effort, right? So I have to believe in the idea that I’m worth something.

It’s a ridiculously hard thing to convince yourself of after years of self-deprecation (as well as outside forces deprecating) everything you do, but in the end I think I’m fully capable of at least marginally ‘calming the fuck down’ and realising my own worth.

I say this now, but you know in an hour I’ll be falling apart all over myself again.  But generally speaking, the moments when I feel ‘lucid’ enough to make these realisations need to be documented so that I can reflect on them later.

Pleas.

I find it really hard to hold together lately.  I have things going on and I can’t just… I can’t seem to keep my mind on the things I need to, and instead drift to the things that make my stomach twist and go out of control.

A belly full of pills and a bottle of water is not a good breeding ground for churning stress and thoughts about things you don’t want in there.  The weirdest part is I know I should just remove myself from every situation in which I’m causing stress for the people I love – Yes, it sucks so very hard to think that I’ll lose that, but can you imagine how much better it’d be…?

I can’t make my mind line up with my emotions – I’m perfectly fine at dealing for a time, and then one thing shifts, like a single grain of sand, and my stomach is eating away at its own lining and I’m trying to figure out how I got here.

Eh, just needed to vent.  Time to go wallow in something not related at all.

Beauty.

Beauty is a weird thing.

It’s attached to so many different things. Your friends can always point out people they find attractive around them, but it’s almost impossible to truly nail down a definition of it that every person can agree with.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my encroaching weight loss and health journey – definitely a bit late in life, but also better late than never – and the fact that even if I do get in shape, it’s highly possible that it will not really improve my appearance.

A shallow thought, I know, but I’m human.

And the more I dwell on it… the more I realise that I can count on one hand all the people who have told me I’m beautiful, with a good chunk of those being related to me, and some others, if asked now, would likely say they can’t remember why they said it.

So, I guess it’s just late in life to realise you might very well not just be fat, but also ugly, which is a bit incurable.

At least I’m fun sometimes so I don’t have to tie a pork chop around my neck to get people to hang with me.

Not So Little and White

Sometimes we tell ourselves things and justify it by self sacrifice for the better of others. Or we learn to accept things we shouldn’t have to for the sake of those we love. We keep up these little white lies so hard, knowing we don’t believe them, but tell ourselves do so often that it starts to be truth.

That’s the crippling thing about something tiny and pale… if you stack it up enough, it starts to gain a sort of colour and weight to it.  It goes from being a thing that you are shouldering for someone you love, to being the thing that’s killing you.

And the part that hurts the most is realising how damaging the truth would be after so long… not just for them, but for you… because you have spent so long beneath that untruth that grabbing for the reality brings it all down on you so much harder… and then you’re both crushed beneath it all.

And sometimes, as the person who was being protected in the first place, even with your insides pouring out from the sudden crushing weight in your chest – the little white lies and truth made manifest – you have to pick up and for once protect the other person… even if it’s from you.

Getting My Body In Order

There’s been something going through my head lately, and to be honest it should have been started ages ago but I somehow always prefer to justify bad choices with deserving to choose my own destiny. I should, I really should be able to choose my own destiny, but at the same time it shouldn’t be a suicidal journey through poor health and being overweight.

I know that it’s going to take a while, and most of that will be just changing behaviours and trying to reframe my brain around the idea that healthy diet with the right supplements can help you lose weight. I need to get out of my sedentary lifestyle and into something a bit more active. I need to start eating healthier things. And really, really I need to start upping my vitamin intake, because my deficiencies could probably fill the grand canyon.

I want to feel better about myself, and it isn’t just the idea that I’ll look better, but being able to do more active things without the dread of what might come with them? Also, I’m very tired of being overheated all the time, no matter the situation, and I know that is a lot because of the extra weight I have on my body.

So over the next few weeks I might actually attempt to post about what progress I’ve made in furthering a healthier lifestyle, and how well it might be going for me.  Maybe I’ll get some support out of it, but it definitely needs doing.