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Artistic Expression (though not mine)

Mayuri Kotonoha

Art © Tovio Rogers

I’ve had a rough twenty-four hour period, and I am understanding that it is not as rough as some have had and even in the scheme of people experiencing the exact same feeling, mine is probably less valid because of circumstance, but it doesn’t make it any less assy.

The night before, I was in a stream with my good friend Tovio Rogers ( dA/FB/tumblr/twitter)as he was drawing up art like above for 15$ (this is not his usual rate, these are more stress release stream commissions, he is easily worth his regular rates though so hit him up) like a maniac, and kept deferring people to go ahead of me so they could see their art drawn live — everyone should get to do that once and it’s fairly amazing so I don’t mind waiting — and ended up getting mine the next day (which was last night.)

As he was finishing up another friend of mine’s piece, my boyfriend and I sort of mutually decided to call it for now, it wasn’t fair to him — or to me, as he says — that he wasn’t ready to be in that sort of relationship while I was very much ready and in love with him.  So I went from slight giddy to completely destroyed in moments.

There’s no hard feelings towards my ex, I’m just sad to have lost what I had, though I realise he and I will continue to be friends and someday — and yes I understand how toxic that sounds but it’s really not — it might work out.  We are what we are and we can only be honest.

It hasn’t changed that feeling of utter disappointment and crushing self-defeat I always feel when something crumbles in my hands, but I’m adult enough to know that if you love someone, especially enough to say that you were in love with them, acting like you can just let them go because the kissing portion of your relationship is over is ridiculous.

I’m an adult and I have adult relationships, but childish reactions to the end of them, in which I’m crying and snotty and completely and utterly broken.  I don’t think you ever really outgrow that feeling, either.  You will always sort of fall apart if something was worth having… it’s not like it was every time someone fucked me over in the past, when I was crying out of anger, it was literally mourning a piece of something that was now dead comparatively to the actual livelihood of our continued friendship.

That being said, I went from not knowing just what I wanted for Mayuri — my Au Ra OC from Final Fantasy XIV — to knowing that I wanted her drawn sad, and then in the Thavnairian Bustier… upon seeing the art Tovio did of her, I’m going to make some stylistic changes to her appearance to better match this art as she’s exactly what I wanted.

Sometimes an artist knows what you want better than you do, and because Tovio and I are good friends and he’s done so much art for me, he knew exactly what to do for me, and how to make my sadness into something beautiful.

Total Artgasm.

Dreams

My dreams are weird, and usually involve something completely off the wall and ridiculous, like the dozen or so times I’ve had real magic powers and still had to fake it in my dream, or when I had wings but they didn’t just allow me to fly I had to learn to work the muscles in my back and still only got a few feet before exhaustion, but sometimes they’re the most weird when they’re not weird at all.

Before I woke up this afternoon I had a dream that I… woke up this afternoon.  Almost exactly like how I actually woke up, though I’m sure there were some glaring, insane differences that I can’t recall now, but I remember sitting up, hitting my phone to see that it was 1 pm, feeling still tired and laying my head down on the opposite side of the bed as I was sleeping on and crashed out again saying I couldn’t get up just yet.

The weirder part is this dream followed another dream — prior to me waking up slightly and saying I’d roll over just one more time, as I always do — in which I was peeing and realised my period had started and was really fucking annoyed by the act of having to put on a pad and how obnoxious sleeping would be for a while because of it, especially having just gotten over that abscess.

Those two dreams in succession were easily the weirdest dreams I’ve had in ages because of how normal and uninteresting they were.  I started my period all crampy, annoyed, and then fell back asleep after checking the time.  It’s this sort of surreal, realistic dream that always leaves me feeling the most groggy all day.

Like yes, please, I need more reality in my reality and to repeat the mundane over and over again before I’m forced to do it in reality, thank you brain.

I wonder if it’s a sign of depression, but someone once told me if you’re depressed you don’t dream, or at least you don’t recall them… but I doubt there’s any real science behind that.  I’ll have to look it up at some point, but… it feels like the more normal a dream the worse it gets me.

Lately, interspersed in all the craziness and crazy-normal dreams, I have ones where my mom shows up and it’s great, but after a while I say something akin to ‘you shouldn’t be here‘ and I realise, in my dream, that’s she’s gone and it’s… emotionally draining and I sob in my dream but feel the physical effects when I wake up.

Dreams are really fucking weird…

Gaming & Things I’ve Missed

I finally returned Persona Q since I hadn’t touched it in months and it was just costing me 16 bucks a month to just sort of have it there in case I got the urge.  It’s not that I didn’t like it, but in the end it felt sort of very boxed in and I got bored with the grind.  That being said, I will always love a game that lets me draw my own map (I’m looking at you Etrian.)

That being said, most of the games I’m getting from GameFly aren’t even for my PS4 (which my dad got me for Christmas and is a lovely thing but lesbionest the amount of suitable RPGs that won’t make me hurk from simulation sickness are slim.) Right now, I’m waiting for Majora’s Mask to show up, which leads me to a confession…

While I’ve been gaming for like… 25 years or some shit like that, there were dark periods in my gaming education in which I couldn’t afford a new system or game and fell behind on what was considered tops at the time.

I never played Majora’s Mask before this.

And that goes for most of the Zelda games in that general era.  Not for lack of desire or anything like that, but simply because I didn’t have the system or couldn’t afford them.

Some games never got to fall by the wayside because of my obsession — Suikoden chief among them, which any of you who actually know me is one of my favourite series ever — but Zelda, the Tales series, and things like that have spotty positions in my history.

I realise it’s a bit taboo (and possibly illegal — shit ) to talk about emulation, but I have managed to get Dolphin to work and emulate Tales of Symphonia, which I never played when it was new, but am enjoying playing now… but it makes me feel sort of embarrassed.

I have, in the past, given shit to people who try to give me shit for being a ‘girl gamer’ — a distinction I’m not happy with anyway because my tits have nothing to do with gaming — and try to question my status, as it were.  I understand there are these splotchy periods for everyone, but if you’re calling me an attention whore who doesn’t really know games when that’s not really the truth… I might get a bit cunty at you and that’s just how it is; it’s not you, it’s me, really.

But in all seriousness, the things I’ve missed have always been a sort of annoyance for me, because I do want to play these things an experience them… now that they’re doing the remakes for the 3DS it’s becoming easier for me, and if I could get a NEW 3DS and play those, it’d be even better… but they come in stages.  I’m lucky to have what I have and am not going to start getting overtly greedy.

So as it stands, yes, I haven’t played the majority of the newer Zelda games, but I’m sort of working on and am eager to actually have something to say about them, whether positive or not.

Majora’s Mask should be here tomorrow, mail willing.

Eureka~

I referenced a cartoon I used to watch as a child on some variety show when I was sick in a post a few years back (this one, to be precise: 5 OBSCURE CARTOONS FROM MY CHILDHOOD) and could not for the life of me remember that duck.  In looking through old posts and finding that, I looked it up again and FINALLY HIT PAY DIRT.  So yeah, it was called Will Cwac Cwac and was a Welsh cartoon before Disney took it and had fun with serialising it and stuff too.  It came packaged with a bunch of other stuff and I remember hating it and loving it, so enjoy.