Emotional Trauma and Illness

I haven’t written any compelling or interesting content in days– hell, I’ve fallen off the wagon of blogging altogether, for the most part, and have found myself in a general flux. I have ideas of what to post but the motivation to do so has fallen by the wayside in the wake of emotional trauma and being sickly. My eye is doing it’s annual “I’m going to fail at working and be so blurry you might actually be blind in that one.” dance routine, and ontop of that I have a cold. If you combine that with the general feeling of disarray at the fact that my boyfriend’s grandmother passed away and my mom’s current illness issues, I just find myself lacking any desire to write the posts I’ve been promising.

I don’t know how many people actually read this blog, or if it’s even important for me to be apologising, but I do what I can to make sure that the people who do read what I write are entertained, and for that I am sorry for not having been around to write any of the stuff I had promised– I’ll get back on track, don’t worry, just might take me a bit to find my flow again. I was doing so well for a while, then I kind of fell off into oblivion again. I’ll get back on the ball.


Sometimes you wake up and know a day is just going to not be as good as you had hoped– sometimes this feeling happens before you even go to bed the day before, because you got bad news, and you wake up only to have that feeling affirmed by something else going wrong. This is one of those days.

Last night I got a message from my mother, lacking tact as she posted it on my facebook wall (but that’s one of the reasons I love her), that she had been in the hospital recently, and had just gotten out– apparently her kidney is failing and they don’t know, definitively, why that is yet. Yet somehow she ended up on an Oxygen tank pretty much 24-7 through all of this, and… I wouldn’t have known– honestly, she has my email, but I think this was a way for her to tell me so I’d pay attention, because otherwise… I wouldn’t have known. I don’t call all that often, because phone conversations when you have nothing of merit to say are painful at best, and when it’s your mother you feel obligated to seem interested– it’s not that she’s boring… I am, and that makes me feel disenchanted with the entire thing. Calling up your mother to say hello and that you miss her is fine, but mine tends to expect great things from me and my life, and I have nothing to show for that. How is it that I came from such great parents and ended up so utterly…. I don’t know.

If that weren’t bad enough, I just cut off my Buffy episode and rolled over to sleep away the weirdness I felt through the whole thing, only to wake up to my boyfriend and his mother sitting on the couch. My first reaction was badness for myself, because maybe something had happened– but they’d have woken me up if my mother had… had serious problems. No, see, his grandmother died in the middle of the night and things got intensely bad for him all of the sudden. When it rains, it pours, and honestly I wish it would rain for real right now because we need that kind of calm. But no, we have to live in the desert of assness.

I’m not sure why it’s not hitting me as much as it should– I feel bad that I’m not curled up in a ball in tears over the news I’ve gotten today, part of me thinks it’s because it’s what my mom wants, sort of. Like I know, deep down, she’ll be happier if she should move on– I know she’ll fight for a bit, even if she doesn’t want to fully, but honestly… I feel like I should be broken, but the thing I find myself most worried about right now is how my father is taking it. How he’s handling all this– my mother’s dealt with this thing being an RN So often that I doubt it’s phasing her too much, a bit of a shock that it’s her, but she’s probably taking it in stride, but I’m not sure how my Daddy’ll handle everything, especially if it goes badly.

I hate writing personal posts, I hate this kind of thing, but I had to write something. I had to get it down.

Why Do We Blog?

I’ve found myself unable to get around to blogging lately– I have topics I need to do, such as my Dissecting Buffy: Band Candy, which is actually my episode in queue for watching Buffy tonight anyway, as well as various gaming topics I’ve been meaning to get into writing about, but sometimes I wonder why it is that people blog? Do we decide that, somewhere along the line, the world would love to hear from us? I wonder.

Originally I thought my reason for blogging was because I thought I had ideas to share, and a unique point of view that would, in the end, make people realise that I might be of some worth to the world, but in the end people are only going to read your blog if they can get some kind of fulfillment out of it– as much as your friends may come by and read, they’re not there because you’re interesting, they’re there because you’re their friends, and in the end they’d have heard whatever spiffy idea you’d come up with anyway, and thought of it as the same kind of love they would when you publish it.

So what does it boil down to, then? Do people blog to get their ideas out there? To practice writing and get themselves known? To monetise their online lives into some form of capital gain? Is it all just narcissism that we think everyone wants to read our every thought on every subject? I thought about it, and all of these have applied to me at some point or another, whether recently or in the past. It makes me wonder just how valid my ideas can be if the methods and feeling behind them are so petty.

So I have a challenge for everyone– whether you’re blogging the top ten list of your favourite types of peanut butter, or writing about how Billy talked to you in Class today– let’s try to make our online experiences a bit more interactive for people. Encourage your reads, whether they’re your friends or not, to engage in conversation through your comments, to make friends, to learn new things– to come back and hear what you have to say tomorrow– promise them original content and mean it. It’s not that hard for us to be creative individuals it’s in our nature and in our blood. I just want more people to take their blog to a level higher, not just the same kind of content all the time (though, if you run a food blog, or a fashion blog, most people are coming to read that so go right ahead), but try to be evocative. I know I’m going to try to be.

Stay tuned for posts about SPiRiTLiNG, Buffy Dissections, Gaming News and thoughts, as well as personal blurbs about my life– and for the love of all that is holy, people, please try to engage me a bit more in comments if you’re peeking at this– I can’t become better at what I do unless people come out of their shells and leave me some comments.

(cross-posted in part at SPiRiTLiNG)

Story vs. Graphics

In the past 15 years or so we’ve seen a weird incline of games that are more graphically intense– it seems that every time we get newer hardware, we end up with games that are graphically superior to its predecessors, and while that isn’t a bad thing, it is when it detracts from the story.

Yes, we’re going to have me ranting about this sort of thing for a moment, because honestly I remember when games were so immersing story-wise that you actually went out of your way to stay up and all night and play them– it wasn’t about getting that new achievement or unlocking some weird content or staring at the pretty graphics, it was about learning more about the fundamentals of the game and advancing the story. This doesn’t just apply to RPGs, either, as a lot of games have in-depth stories but would be considered well outside of the realm of a role playing game.

Things have come a long way graphically, and while that is utterly fine and dandy, I still despise the kids that claim Final Fantasy VII to be superior in story and graphics to Final Fantasy VI, considering the huge leap from 16-bit to a more polygonal design, it’s kind of a given that VII is more advanced graphically, but if you look at it now and compare it to today’s games, it seems ridiculously underpowered, and the story doesn’t really hold up– I know, I know, half of you are looking at me like I’m retarded considering the mass awareness of Final Fantasy VII and its sequels, prequels, and the mass amount of merchandising that has been done to continue its legacy, but honestly, the story didn’t really give me much that made me want to continue playing. I’m not saying I didn’t love the game or the story, but I can play it once every few years and just be completely meh about it– it seems like the more characters that got added to that story, the less you knew about any of them. Whereas with VI, every new character you got had some epic back story that you could play through and made you fall in love with them, and their story, all over again. There wasn’t a character in that game that didn’t have some kind of depth, and none of them were throwaway characters you could just ignore as a whole.

That’s not to say that the rest of the Final Fantasy games weren’t the same. Sometimes you got good story, sometimes it was a mixed bag, it’s just a bit of a pet peeve of mine over people claiming the story in VII was superior to all others when it was not– and if you look further down the line at X, I couldn’t even play through the first hour of that game without getting so immensely bored that I just gave up– it was graphically superior to its predecessors, but I was /bored/ to tears with the new things they’d brought in, the fighting style, and everything else.

I understand a company’s want to make their game somewhat better with new tidbits and things for people to play with, but there’s a part where your new fangled whosamawhatsit is denigrating the story you could have had. Some people have never played Wild ARMs because of its graphics and game play (even though I find them to be rather interesting), but it has one of the most amazingly heart-felt stories I’ve ever experienced in a game. When does graphics get to take-over the rest of the game?

On another side of things, people have completely badmouthed Metal Gear Solid 4, even though I found its story and game play to far outweigh a lot of the games that came out at the same time– mostly they felt that the story took over, and the game had strayed from its long, arduous hours of game play through stealth action formula that had won it so much. But honestly, that story was good enough to carry it even if the thing had been hideous and not at all fun to play. Snakes development was enough to make me want to play it again and again, and let’s not even get started on the supporting cast of awesome.

There is a point when graphics are an issue and you don’t want to look at something ‘ugly’ while you’re playing it, but story should always weigh in first, at least as far as I’m concerned. I fear for the future of gaming when titles like Final Fantasy who used to be met with mass amounts of fanfare are now just throw-aways because of the way the series has gone. I haven’t even touched XIII, and I used to play them all pretty religiously, that should tell something.

( also posted at SPiRiTLiNG, at least in part. )


No, I’m not talking the kind of thing that kids complain about to give themselves reasons to stay up all night– if I don’t take a heavy dose of tylenol PM every night I tend to lack the ability to fall into a restful sleep, which leads to me not sleeping at all, hence I’m still up from the night before because I am out of my ambrosia.

However, it tends to happen that I think of interesting things to write while in these states of mind, but don’t have the energy to actually write anything resembling good content, and while the Buffy dissection is pending ((most likely going to start with Band Candy as it got two suggestions)), later today if I can get up my blustering gusto, I’m going to write about the degeneration of how games use to have stories, and now they have graphics– I’m not just talking RPGs, either, I’ve seen amazing stories in the last few years in a few games that were then called fail because they didn’t feature enough new shiny stuff. It will be a rant of epic proportions, folks.

I’m also going to, at the behest of a new friend, start cross-posting my blogs over at SPiRiTLiNG, so everyone should have access to them across the board without me having to post them as content– I’m hoping some of you will be scooting over to join on the community, as it’s a place for gamers to feed their habit, and get rewarded, at least in the future. Either way, look forward to a few new posts within the next couple of days with semi-interesting content.