Artistic Expression (though not mine)

Mayuri Kotonoha

Art © Tovio Rogers

I’ve had a rough twenty-four hour period, and I am understanding that it is not as rough as some have had and even in the scheme of people experiencing the exact same feeling, mine is probably less valid because of circumstance, but it doesn’t make it any less assy.

The night before, I was in a stream with my good friend Tovio Rogers ( dA/FB/tumblr/twitter)as he was drawing up art like above for 15$ (this is not his usual rate, these are more stress release stream commissions, he is easily worth his regular rates though so hit him up) like a maniac, and kept deferring people to go ahead of me so they could see their art drawn live — everyone should get to do that once and it’s fairly amazing so I don’t mind waiting — and ended up getting mine the next day (which was last night.)

As he was finishing up another friend of mine’s piece, my boyfriend and I sort of mutually decided to call it for now, it wasn’t fair to him — or to me, as he says — that he wasn’t ready to be in that sort of relationship while I was very much ready and in love with him.  So I went from slight giddy to completely destroyed in moments.

There’s no hard feelings towards my ex, I’m just sad to have lost what I had, though I realise he and I will continue to be friends and someday — and yes I understand how toxic that sounds but it’s really not — it might work out.  We are what we are and we can only be honest.

It hasn’t changed that feeling of utter disappointment and crushing self-defeat I always feel when something crumbles in my hands, but I’m adult enough to know that if you love someone, especially enough to say that you were in love with them, acting like you can just let them go because the kissing portion of your relationship is over is ridiculous.

I’m an adult and I have adult relationships, but childish reactions to the end of them, in which I’m crying and snotty and completely and utterly broken.  I don’t think you ever really outgrow that feeling, either.  You will always sort of fall apart if something was worth having… it’s not like it was every time someone fucked me over in the past, when I was crying out of anger, it was literally mourning a piece of something that was now dead comparatively to the actual livelihood of our continued friendship.

That being said, I went from not knowing just what I wanted for Mayuri — my Au Ra OC from Final Fantasy XIV — to knowing that I wanted her drawn sad, and then in the Thavnairian Bustier… upon seeing the art Tovio did of her, I’m going to make some stylistic changes to her appearance to better match this art as she’s exactly what I wanted.

Sometimes an artist knows what you want better than you do, and because Tovio and I are good friends and he’s done so much art for me, he knew exactly what to do for me, and how to make my sadness into something beautiful.

Total Artgasm.

Wenk Wenk